Helpless

I hate this feeling of feeling helpless...not being able to help him nor do anything in anyway. I feel like I'm suffocating inside and I feel like all I can do is cry. His voice repeating over and over "Don't let me die...I don't want to die like Dad". Just thinking of him makes me cry...just knowing that he is just laying there not able to move...paralized....thinking of what tomorrow will bring for him...knowing that his chances to live are very slim...it pains me thinking about it. i'd go insane...What saddens me is that i can't be there with him and try to help him out. People tell me think about positive things..but how can I?? When I know my little brother is lying there...dying...I know he is scared as I am...I could hear the fear in his voice...i hate the feeling of wanting to help and do everything in my power to help him knowing that I can't do anything but pray and hope everything turns out okay...but I wish i could be there with him instead. Everyday i look at his picture and start crying and his voice haunts my mind...it repeats over and over again. Everyday at school i want to cry because I think of him...every small thing reminds me of him and it makes me sad...but I try to be strong for my older sister because i know she needs me...but when I'm alone I wish I could have someone who I could just hug and they would tell me its going to be okay and just cry into their shoulder...i feel like i'm drowning and i'm falling...i feel weak I need someone to hold on to...this feeling sucks...what am I suppose to do is what i ask myself everyday...how can I think positive when everytime I just feel like crying...every night I cry to sleep...what am I suppose to do?

Untitled

Those words feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I won't be held down by the words you use to hurt me. Screaming and bleeding inside. I know you don't believe in me but there are others who do care and see my true inner self. I don't want t lock myself up from the world, my friends, my family. I don't want to forget how it feels without the love and caring of others. I want to let things go, the things you say that feel like piercing knives going threw me. I couldn't hide the pain, the tears, the bleeding inside me no more.
I never wanted this to feel so cold. I can't hold on to me...wonder what's wrong with me..Leave me be...don't disturb. I drown but I know I will survive. Keep me in the darkness but know the darkness seems to be my friend and I know it so well now. Can't break free.. I want to let it go. Let me go. But i forgive you after all of what you do. In the end I always fall and I always seem to find my face among the ashes. But I'm going, I have to let it go.
Hurt, cold, and alone again. Can this be what they want me to be? Blame it all on me. Nothing can hold you back now. When you are gone or I'm with others who care about me i feel like myself again. I can feel the real me wanting to shine threw my frost bitten self I have become. I won't change who I really am for you! Not this time just to keep you happy there is no time to waste on you! But you can go ahead and just blame it on me for all I care. Since I'm already some kind of freak in your eyes. You can hate me..I don't' want to grieve for you. I know I may have lost the truth of what i am in your eyes.
I always longed to be like you but not anymore not after the damage you have done..leave me alone. Someone told me that I'm not alone and that many will be by my side forever more.You say things to hurt me but I don't really care anymore. For once in my life could you try to be nice? Sometimes I feel I might lose control for all the things I bottle up inside me. I'm lost and bleeding. All my life i have been waiting for someone to come pick me up and that I can lean on All your lies, I'm not believing. Someone has shown a light on me.
I'm not afraid to try to open your eyes to the truth. All your lies I don't deserve. I can't look down or I'll fall down. if I can't feel then I must not be real. I can hear you...please stop. Stuck in this darkness it feels so wrong...I feel so alone now. I'm in parts and pieces now. All that I lived for, all that I have died for, all that I can't ignore. Alone at night I can feel the feelings that seem to separate me from the living. I've tried to find the words to make me better, if only I knew how to pull myself up.
You've taken my biggest fears and have made them real. I try to find myself so that I won't be lost again but I can't I thought I had to change the world to make you see the truth. I could have kept running forever but I won't any more. I shouldn't have locked this stupid dark door with my heart inside it. Can't you see my heart bleeding? I shouldn't let you talk to me so harshly. Even after all I try to do it isn't good enough for you. When will I be a good enough person?
Everyday when I come home I wait for your words to fall upon me like cold rain. There I wait...cold, wet, hurt, bleeding, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even alive anymore after what I feel, its such a sharp pain it kills me. I'm sick of having bury everything inside. I try to get rid of the pain but it just come and kills me slower every time. Sometimes I try to speak but my words just hang in the air. Sometimes your words leave me paralyzed and in silence. I try to close my eyes and try to forget what you have said and pretend its not real. But these scars I have are because of you. No matter what you say I will not let you break me completely.
Because of you have cried more the 100,000 tears. Tears of anger, hatred, and sadness. These wounds are deeper then the deepest sea. You are so suffocating, I'm not fake less, just paranoid that I might suffocate. But I'm praying that some day you see the good in me that others see.

WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME

Okay so today was such a bad day for me cause yesterday I got a phone call from Honduras where my mom's family lives...well they gave us the news that yesterday my sister's little brother on her dad's side who I consider as my little brother too..Christopher got shot...this was a blow to my stomach...my heart just dropped...He's in critical condition right now. Well I'm getting ahead of myself I should say what happened...well apparently Christopher was just rollerblading with some friends and there were these two robbers who were jumping some other person...well they saw Christopher and shot him in the neck. Just like that I don't know how some people can be so cruel and not have a heart and shoot a innocent boy...he's only 12 years old!!! What did he do to them?? Nothing! He doesn't even remember anything he says he didn't see anything. When you ask him what happen he says "I remember rollerblading and that's all." Well yesterday we waited hours to get a phone call and see what the surgeons said...it seemed like an eternity..what saddened me even more was seeing my sister Jaqui just sit there staring at the phone crying...our phones rang 3 times and every time my stomach turned into a knot and my heart would skip a beat because you just don't know what to expect. Finally after 4 hours of waiting. Lily Christopher's older sister calls and she told us that they can't find the bullet which I find to be so weird...they don't know if he will be able to walk again...it also affected one of his arms and he can't move it. This just saddened and angered me...I was angry at the 2 men who did this to him..he doesn't deserve that...what kind of person are you to shoot a boy and now just because of their STUPID and WRONG mistakes my little brother Christopher might not be able to walk again!!!!! Just because you decided to go jump someone and shoot at a boy!!!!!! How can I not be angry! How?!?! The weird thing is that it is almost going to be year since my sister's dad was killed. He was also at the wrong place at the wrong time and he got shot but he didn't make it they shot him in neck, arm, and one bullet went through his jaw. We had to go through that once and now this happened it just took me back to that same night when they told us German my sister's dad got shot. I find this world to be cruel and heartless. It amazes me what some people are capable of doing...some people just have a cold heart or not even a heart at all. So today was very hard for me to get through school because I couldn't stop thinking about my little brother...I couldn't help but break down and cry. I try to be strong for my mother and my sister. But even I had to just let it all out. Well to anyone who has lost someone like this..I know how you feel and I'm truly sorry if you went through this..I have had to go through it twice...
I feel your pain and I'm truly sorry.

Worthless Words

Your just running off your mouth trying to convince me that I'm worthless and useless. That I'm the one who made the mistakes. And you know what...I can't take it anymore. Let me tell you where I'm at with this...that trash that she talks really has to quit. I ain't plastic nor fake..I'm a person that feels. You gotta take facts not lies and lay them out straight. You have to just see it so you see I'm not playing this game anymore. Because I'm trying to be a bigger then her bickering, bigger then her name calling, under the breath talking, her rumors, labels and categorizing. But go ahead you can say what you want about me...just keep on talking...but watch me cause I'm walking away. You can say what you have to say about me but I've made up my mind-I'm going to be above her and this is the last time I'm going to trust you. You can say what you have to say...all that talk might have worked a lot before but it's not going to work today. You people are just running your mouths off, trying to make me take myself off safety. But I can't take it no more. Let me spell it out for you...complaining and saying things about me that aren't true isn't going to change who I am. I'm going to step my game up and I'm going to maintain my name. Why does it always seem that she is watching me? All I need is some room to breathe is there anybody out there listening? Because I can't stand to keep this in or I'll go insane. All I really want I'll say again and again...
...Leave me alone and don't judge me....
...You may have won a battle but you aren't going to win this war...

Back home or something like it

Friday, November 7, 2008

Back home everyone seems to be searching for something but all they can find is a whole lot of nothing. Back home there isn't anyone just hoping because they feel like nothing can really save them from their troubles. They try not to hold out but we can't fight the fact that life can go black when the lights are go out...but I guess you try to watch out for yourself. Back home the same problems exist and the pain throbbing in your head. people can be so common, it doesn't really bother them...they just swallow it and hope for something better to happen that will pull us back together somehow...but sometimes the chances of that ever happening are somewhat slim. But back home we try to get a glimpse of the good life. I try my best to keep together when you say mean, insulting, hurtful words. I pace back and forth, looking for that courage to shine but it seems I can't find it. I need something to nourish my mind. I know we all lose quite a bit in life but only to gain some of it back. The dark winding roads I came from..I move with the night..I'm so used to its cold shade, and I never lose sight of bringing truth back into my life. Back home I have lots of things on my mind, I'm always behind because there is never enough time and I am non-stop, bottom line, I do what I have to do to keep moving on. Back home those people who call me hopeless and other mean things...you try telling me I need to focus...but focus is overrated cause you just seem to point out every blemish, mistake that I supposedly make and there is nothing I can really do to change what you or she makes you think. Back Home I try to find myself and try to feel like myself again.