PURE STUPIDITY SATURATED SELFISHNESS

Today...i woke up to a phone call..more crap...it truly pissed me off and angered me what i heard..the desperation in her voice not knowing what to do...what kind of person are YOU?...I mean come on seriously your actions are pure STUPID!...I mean come on do YOU even think???? The danger that you are putting her, your unborn baby, and son...I can't believe YOU!....seriously YOU disgust me...okay if you don't have the guts to take responsibility of your life and your actions after everything you have been through...then wow you are just plain... plain... I don't even think there is a proper word to describe YOU. I mean come on sometimes I wonder what the heck you are thinking leaving your wife the woman carrying your unborn daughter at home by herself you not only hurt her physically but emotionally and mentally...and to do what?? Go get drunk as hell...go partying...with other women...do drugs...I can't even speak to YOU...okay you say you want your freedom?? Well maybe you should have though about that before getting married...when you yourself said you wanted to change and that you would trade the I's for US...for you two. And now I heard this and I felt sick and angered and sad. Because we have tried helping you as much as we could possibly because we all care about you and seeing you slowly destroy you self little by little is something painful for them...for us...you say you wanna live your crazy life?? That this is who you are and that you won't change...that YOU won't ever change...cause of course your a so called VATO LOCO for life...right? Well that's just a bunch of crap...Okay fine go live your crazy life but leave me alone.....let her go instead of keeping her lock inside like some freaking animal in a box...she's a human for god sake! and then you tell her to go to hell and to stay out of your business?? really what kind of person are YOU? How the heck can you tell your wife this woman who put up with your crap and your problems and the one who said yes to you the one who committed to a marriage with you...and think about your son and your daughter...you are a man now you aren't a little boy anymore okay? YOU have to take responsibility for you actions...seriously this is just RIDICULOUS...I just don't know how you can be so stupid and do that stuff and the things you are involved in it isn't game.....its something serious...you think it's a game but in this world people won't play by your rules...no everything is taken seriously here...wake up open your eyes and see...think for once about what your actions will do....I have done all I can...I can't do anything...it you and your life...but what pains me is that she suffers and mostly my nephew he shouldn't have to go though that....it kills me that I can't do anything to help because I can't control your actions nor your outbursts of rage...I'm truly pissed off and hurt...hearing these things because I think to myself " HAVEN"T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?" Obviously not because your in the same crap again...and seems like your not going to change...okay if you aren't going to change then at least let her go...because your not only harming yourself but your harming her, your baby, and you son and me....so many lies you have spoken...everything you said was a lie....lies lies lies...nothing but a big tangled web of lies....I really don't understand YOU.....I don't....I can't believe how dumb and stupid you are being....I truly don't understand...we have tried helping you and we have let things slide we have put up with a lot of your crap... but this is too much. I'm not going to try anymore...I'm done...yes I AM DONE....all you have cause is pain and suffering to all...every single day is some other crap with you....so go just LEAVE GO LIVE YOUR LIFE YOU WANT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...BUT KNOW THIS THAT I ALWAYS CARED FOR YOU AND I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP I HAD FAITH IN YOU....WHEN NO ONE ELSE BELIEVED I DID...I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU IN THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SAD TIMES...SO ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU NOW..IS ...THAT YOU ARE TRULY SELFISH AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE... GO LEAVE...GO LIVE YOUR CRAZY LIFE YOUR VATO LOCOS ARE WORTH NOTHING...THAT WON'T HELP YOU OUT IN THE END...YOU'LL SEE AND YOU'LL REMEMBER ME...YOU'LL REMEMBER THE WORDS I TRIED TO TELL YOU HOW I TRIED TO HELP YOU BUT YOU REFUSED...THAT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM...BECAUSE WE HAVE ENDURED SO MUCH FOR YOU...BUT NOT ANYMORE...
YOU KNOW WHAT...I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE I'M SHAKING BADLY FROM IT....

Staring into the mirror

I stare into this mirror...does the mirror tell you who you truly are? Does it define you?
The mirror has told me who I am....something I have learned is that being perfect is impossible because none of us are...
I'm sorry but YOU don't own me and your words that you say won't define me ever...I'm not going to let you own me you won't.
Who are you to tell me I'm less then what I am? Who are you to say those things? Who are you? Because I don't even know who you are anymore. I won't listen to you anymore no I'm not going to anymore...why should I?
In this mirror I look into my eyes and see the old me there inside me wanting to come out...I see her...why won't she come out?
What's holding her back? I still stare into the mirror and I try to see a new reflection...try to find the old me...I know she's in me somewhere....I will not let YOU hurt me again I won't ever...I need to open up my hands...press my face to the ground...just forget...just go to sleep...but that's the problem I can't sleep...i don't know what to do....

I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been used.
I've been hurt.
But even so with my last breath I will not scream at you no I will not yell at you...
What is the good in that?
The past hides dark secrets that haunt me still...at night sometimes I stay up because I can't sleep...I stay up for hours...
Why must I go through this pain?? Why can't I forget it all? Why why? Why must we remember everything including the worst ones...the ones you want to forget why are they the ones that you remember the most? Just wanting it to fade away...forget it all...but something seems to get in the way...every time I see you I get chills going down my spine...I feel cold...and to think that you don't think I remember what you have done...but sadly I remember everything....even thought I have tried to forget and cover these deep wounds...I'm scarred inside...I still ask my self why? I guess I'll never know why...
I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been hurt.
But even so I will move on...bruised and scarred I will go on...watch me.

Going to ignore you for good

Right now I am ignoring you...
I'm going to ignore you...
Because your actions and your heart has turned cold
Don't bring me your problems...
Don't bring me your attitude...
Please just don't drown me in your bad mood...
I'm not going to let you lock me up...
Nope you will not keep me quiet and tied...no I will not let you.
I'm ignoring you..
I will ignore you...
I'm not going to sit here and wait for someone to come along and save me...
I know that I have to be strong and do it myself...
And this time I will be free of you....
...Goodbye...

"I can take it in but I can also dish it out"

Remembering your heart-full laugh...under the hot sun...having a great time...many memories we made...you always saying I can take it in but I can also dish it out...then one day something was dished out at you and you were able to take it in but this you can't beat it...only a couple months to live...seeing you grow thinner and thinner...weaker and weaker...but even so you haven't lost your humor nor that heart-full laugh...you have been so strong and I admire that...you have such courage...its amazing...we still have such wonderful memories still play a round of cribbage...I have always loved you as a father and I will miss you...we all will...we'll miss your smile, your humor, your jokes, your love, and your wisdom. But your advice I will take and remember forever..I promise..

I'm tired of feeling this same old feeling.....speaking words in every kind of way to try to get my point across...sometimes I want to just close my eyes together...looking for a escape...maybe find that secret garden everyone reads about...maybe the only sign is in front of us....behind the shadows...sometimes I go to sleep dreaming of tomorrow.....of the place when everything will be fine. Wanting to just dive into the pool I don't care if the water's cold...I go to sleep and wake up sick...i walk through the crowds...look through the window into the unknown...wanting to ditch everything...you really thought I'd be the only one who would be ditched?? Really?? I just want to let go....forget it...I really miss the ones I love....I miss how we used to be...its like a movie where everyone is sad....wanting to just sleepwalk into the dream...i want to learn to open my eyes and see...but then you want to just turn off the lights and lay in the darkness...a couple tears down my face...could it just rain so no one can see my tears? ...what's beyond the darkness??...gotta learn to blend into this mess ....keep letting it all go all of the crap...seems I'm lost in this place...where am I?? ...

Bricks

Some people encourage to to do your best and other say words that are like bricks...they say words that are meant to weigh you down so that they can feel little higher...swim a little higher while you struggle and drown. Some think that their way is better and the best of them all but either way its just like that brick that weighs you down. So what should I do with this bag full of bricks, sticks and stones, and hurtful words that have stuck with me day after day. Can I let go? Remove it..let it go slowly...remove brick by brick...forget the words that they have said. We must believe in the person we can truly be right? Many people add a brick. If we start to compare we find out that we fall short somewhere...but hey that's because we are humans we are not perfect..its always true...but if we see where we fall we can break down this wall...Instead of teaching ourselves to walk away we have learned to crawl. What will you do with that bad of sticks and stones, bricks and hurtful words? We should believe in ourselves more...even if others don't...try to be unique..be ourselves instead off trying to conform with what they want us to be...to be someone we are not. We should defy what they tell us..don't believe the words and the lies they tell us..If we are brave enough we can believe in what we truly are...lets just let it go...all of those bricks throw them away...throw them far away from you.