A Sad Heart

Somehow I try to black these thoughts out....I try to block them out so I don't go insane or lose my mind. They are crawling inside my head like little insects...playing memories in my head and make me remember of what it used to be and then remind me of what it is now...they remind me how much I feel alone and how I miss having someone there who cares and will tell me that its okay. There's a burning feeling inside me and a nervous bleeding in my brain. Will we ever go back again? Will you never try to reach me? Will you never change your ways? You can go ahead and hate and critize me all you want...heck you can hate me tomorrow critize me all week...critize me for reasons of things that I haven't even done. It sometimes so much that its hard to swallow it all..instead of it uniting us it seems to be tearing us all apart...the one thing that tore us apart is the one thing I refuse to touch the one thing I don't talk about again. Sometimes I want to do everything in my heart to change everything. Enough with all the hating , all the critizing, the fighting, the bickering, and the hurting everything just ENOUGH with it STOP IT all! With a sad heart I seem to just sit here...kicking the shadows for all the mistakes that have happened...I want to make it all go away...just gone forever..and bring back the smiles...the happiness I used to see in our faces..and just how it used to be..How can you do this to me?? How can you do this to us your family? I guess you can go and hate me and critize me....you can hate us...then you can finally see if that does any good to you.

Letting Go

Where do you go after a day that feels like an eternity?? Where does our heart beat?...Who's wrong? Why must I feel this way? Why do I cry? How can I let this all go? Why do I feel anything? Why must I feel? Why? Will someone help me? Let me follow them through this never ending maze? Show me the right path to take...Why do I go through this? Why? Why do I go this way? Why do I think? How could we let go of this? Why do I feel? Why? Why? Why did I go this way? Why? How could I let it go? How could I? How? Why? How could I? Why must I feel this way? Why won't these headaches go away? It seems the more I think of it the stronger they become...the more they come...I try to not think of it and let it slide but it seems the more I try to forget the more I seem to remember and think of it..I try to push out these thoughts but they some how manage to crawl back into my head...at nights its worse cause sometimes I can't even sleep because my mind is filled with so many thoughts...So I ask again where....where do you go after a long day that doesn't seem to end that seems like a eternity?....

What if..

What if we could put our lives on hold or on pause...what would you do? What would we do?
Would we do nothing at all? Or would you want to go back and change something? What if we could...where would you go? Would we need someone or something? Who would you want to be around? Could someone look into your eyes ans see life in them? Or would they see nothing at all..? Just a blank stare...What would you do if we could do this?

Hurt Before

She's this girl in the world...moving as fast as she goes...she loves her mother...the only secure thought she knows...but at night she's alone...dreaming of something new of better times...she's praying that her dreams will one day come true...can someone show me?? Can someone show me how to be brave...Show me the way and tell me how to get through this...what do I say??
There is a pain in my heard that I'm trying so hard to unwind and untangle. It makes me cry in the night when I am alone in my room ,when these visions of life can sometimes make me go blind.. I want to break through this fear of raising scars and pains from within me..and start a new kind of me...show me the way..show me show me how can I be strong and brave. You see its like I'm finally turning the key to this door...unlocking it and stepping outside into this roller coaster world...taking whatever future holds...taking a stride...we have all in someway or another have been hurt before right? Well your not alone...if you have been hurt before...no you are not alone.

Many Shades Of Blue

It's almost past 7 o' clock she stumbles down the stairs..her mother cooking in the kitchen and her father is in his same old chair...on the newspaper the headline reads that the sun will come out today.. there it is shining down the perfect streets...her eyes wide open the sky is always many shades of blue..badly broken she's lost and lonely..hearing the school bells singing "Hurry don't be late for class" Wandering through the hallways through the crowds searching for her place to go. The writing on her teachers chalkboard read "Who will make a change?" She raises her hand no one even notices her there..with arms wide open her life has become many shades of blue...partly broken she's lost and lonely...there is no escape from it...where she's going..many shades of blue...partly hopeless...she let the water run more then usual...a little deep..she slowly slips on in and she finds the nerve to breathe...everyone doesn't see it coming...the cops arrive with sirens blaring and they find her many shades of blue...but it's hopeless no ones noticed her until now...her eyes wide open...they found her floating...there is no escaping of where she's going...many shades of blue...with her arms wide open...she went and made her change...still many shades of blue...then she just suddenly wakes up from her dream...but she is still a thousand shades of blue...

Feel Like Running Forever

Sometimes I feel like just running...without stopping...even if I'm exhausted and my muscles are straining with pain I just want to run and run..running clears my mind...makes me forget for a bit...I just hear my feet hitting the pavement over and over again...it seems like my legs move mechanically without thinking...over and over again...hearing my heartbeat going faster and faster...my breathing...everything going to the rhythm of the music blaring in my ears....faster and faster..I want to run and keep running and never stop. Just run away for a bit from all the problems, the hate and the pain. To just run and forget it all....cause I'm just sick of everything.. I just want to get away and go somewhere far away...just so I can think and get my mind cleared...never stopping...I want to just run and feel the cold wind on my face...I want to run until my leg muscles have gone numb...not feel anything anymore...nothing no pain, no sadness, no anger, no happiness...feel nothing...some may not understand this feeling but I know some do and some feel like doing the exact same...they feel like just running and running....
...RUN...

I promise you I'll be back

Wandering towards the back...looking down towards the ground..
suddenly I look up and stop dead in my tracks...just standing there both of our eyes locked on each other for almost a minute but it seemed like an eternity. I wanted to just run over and give him a huge hug and say that it was good to see him again but knowing that I couldn't but I knew he could see in my eyes what I wanted to say. He could read my mind. But no yet no not yet could we do this. Looking into his dark brown boyish eyes I could read it "I'm Sorry" is what I could read off. I hadn't seen him for almost a year but I never forgot the message he left on my phone the night everything happen " Your the one that has always helped me through every time...every time you were there telling me to be strong and not fall...but yet by my actions here I find myself to have fallen...but it wasn't because of you or my family it was because of me and my foolish actions. I'm sorry for the pain I cause you and my family...but one thing I want to tell you is that I promise you I'll try real hard and come back...I promise...I'll be back" I can still hear his voice sadden and scared playing over and over in my head. I couldn't help but look back slightly there he was actually sitting there...somehow I couldn't believe he was really there...it felt as if I was dreaming...that it was a dream and that I would wake up...but I didn't wake up from any dream...it was real it was reality. Seeing him again same old him...with his same dark brown boyish eyes and see that shyness on his face. I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't but I really wanted to so badly. Afterwards when he got up to leave he waited at the door for a little bit until I turned and looked back our eyes locking once again...all I heard and all I could read is "I promise I'll be back I promise you..."
Just by him being there gave me some hope. I still have faith that he'll be back...
"I promise you I'll be back..."