Feelings Continued...

I'm bleeding, screaming and deceiving because of you. But you still don't hear me screaming on the inside and you just keep on going. I'm tormented daily and defeated by you. It feels like I'm falling forever. It seems I have blurred and mixed the truth and the lies to the point where I don't know whats real and whats not. I always have confused thought inside my head and sometimes I can't trust myself anymore on what to believe. So go on and scream and yell at me, but I won't be broken again. Not anymore. Sometimes I feel so numb and cold. Have you no shame don't you see me here hurt and alone?? But now I know I can't and never will be the perfect person you want me to me...cause like everyone else I am human. I know the truth now someone has told me that I am not worthless or anything that you have said. I can't even say " I love you" now. Everything you have said about us isn't true. Sometimes I'm tired of being here anymore. These deep wounds don't seem to heal, this pain is just to much sometimes. Its just too much that not even time can't heal nor erase it. Your voice with your hurtful words seem to linger in the air. They whisper slowly to me...I fear you but I won't let you pull me down. the idea of you watching my every move to see what I'm doing wrong, to pick out my every imperfection haunts me. I've tried to kill the pain but it seems to come back every time I try to think positive. They tell me to not worry and think positive but sometimes its really hard to do. Sometimes my bedroom is my refugee to go cry, wanting to just scream but I can't I'm already swallowed up in my screaming and pain. Sometimes I can just lay on the floor for hours crying and hurting. You don't seem to remember my true self. I try so hard not to think about it but my mind races... I can't believe I actually feel for the words you've said. I look in the mirror and I see the pain in my eyes but I seem to be able to put a fake smile on and make it seem like nothing is wrong. In was letting you take over me but not anymore. I miss my old self...the happy and cheerful I used to be and I know she is still inside me under my cold and hurt self. I'm slowly going back to her even if its hard I will make it and I shall become her again. I'm done trying to be good enough for you. cause with you its impossible to be. I am to others the say I'm a great person. That they love my happy, funny and outgoing persona. That I should just let it slide and forget everything. Somehow I know there's just more to come but I will just have to wheel it all aways and not close my eyes and let myself fall. No I wont try to turn away and I won't try to hide anymore.