Living and Breathing

I've had enough of living my life like this...in darkness and sadness..I can't explain why I have to suffer this...all I ever do is live my life right and straight...stay out of trouble...I find it ridiculous that we go back to square one every time...every day...every minute same old CRAP and I'm SICK of it! I want to be happy again... I want to be me again...everyone has noticed a change in me...they say that they see sadness in my eyes that I'm not myself...if they only knew what's going on inside me...in my mind...what I'm feeling inside...I can hear myself screaming in my mind..Sometimes I feel like just yelling out "I'M SORRY FOR LIVING AND BREATHING!" Why is it that you say you'll change the way you are but you don't you go back to the same crap again and again. Those who see me say I've changed seem more quieter and more reserved. Sometimes I wish I could tell them why why I seem changed the reason is YOU. Others have no idea what I'm going through or what I'm feeling...it feels like a drowning feeling or a choking feeling either way it feels like I can't breathe. I want to express myself and when I want to express my things it never comes out. I want to say so much more...but it seems I can't get the words to come out of my mouth...it seems like someone hits the mute on my voice and any time I want to speak nothing...no nothing comes out.