Pebble

Where am I tonight?
I'm fighting against the feeling that is tearing at me...its a dark and painful one. What I would give to get rid of it and beat this feeling that slowly tears at me...I would walk a great distance to be freed from it...someone once told me they would want to be as if drugged to the point of numbness...I guess then you wouldn't feel anything no pain, no anger, no sadness, nothing. Here I pick up a small pebble and cast it into the water watching the ripples grow and fade outward...someday I hope my pain will be like those ripples..just keep fading away..rippling away until they are completely gone.

Another Day

Another day...the sun is slowly creeping in and I can't hide beneath the covers no more...Another day I have read these words many times before. Here it comes again I can feel it...same old feeling....feeling the same way over again...thinking the same thoughts again and again...no matter how much I wish not to and just pretend I don't but I do. Another day when I can't seem to find my mind..when my feet seem to have a mind of its own. Hoping and trying to be able to stand straight on the floor...I seem to feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder how I go into the unknown but somehow find my way back...I go out searching for what is lost...but still haven't found it...maybe in the end I'll find it once again and not feel this same old feeling again.

I don't know why

Here I lay waiting for the sun to rise...don't ask me why...because I don't even know why...I don't know why I didn't just fall asleep...and dreamed away..here I wait I can see the sun wanting to kiss the sun good morning. When a new day comes I wish I cold just fly away...instead of falling straight to the ground...catching the tears in my hand My heart is beating slow beats...but somehow everything is on my mind...forever...its like a bottomless sea...its keeps going and it's never ending...just wanting to run down the street all alone...something makes me want to run. The sound of my feet are like the beating of a drum. I don't know why I didn't just go to sleep...I don't know why I can't sleep.

Rainy Days

Rainy days are gray
It sounds like the beating of a drum
It taste of salt- saltiness
Smells if wet mud- dampness
Rainy Days make you feel gloomy and cold

I wish

I wish..
that we don't have to lose the ones we love
that one day we won't have to suffer
that one day everyone will love each other
the wars will someday end
that all the hate and violence will someday end
that one day all the sadness and pain will vanish and be gone forever
that the pain I feel inside will one day leave
the numbness will regain feeling
that someday I'll understand why...

Control

Here I find myself on a one-way road...only a couple dim lights to lead me on...there I stand...turn my music on....the song slowly starting...the beat slowly taking over my mind and body...release and out of control...As I run forward my shadow is the only one who has my back...I'm the only one on this one-way road but I don't care I don't mind being the only one on the road...running and running...Life or death...its either one...they can say what they what but they ain't better they me...we disagree and that's all we ever will do....so I don't mind being here on this dark road running through the darkness not knowing whats there...not knowing what could be hiding behind the dark shadows...maybe I'll find myself ...there.... its all messed up...in pain and hurt....running and running until I go numb cause of the cold wind brushing against my face...I try not to be hearing what they say...cause it all ain't true its all a bunch of crap... if you would only leave me alone and go away..please...just go...you mad at me for living my life straight and staying outta trouble...that ain't my problem...that's your own...don't talk about me behind my back...if you got something to say say it to my face...feel my pain...you just fronting hard...as if we don't know who you really are..go head talk..I'm listening...take it all...risk it all...I'm listening say it to my face...go ahead...say it...if you can leave messages disrespecting...then come and say it to my face...just leave me alone and go away...I'm outta control can't take it anymore sometimes. So I just run and run and I'll keep running to out run the pain for a little while...going through the darkness....darkness...control.....run.... run....pain....numb.....go AWAY.

Counting the Minutes

Laying here wide awake...counting the minutes...the hours..waiting for the sun to rise and kiss the sky good morning. I'm already thinking about the day ahead..what needs to be done, what I have to do, where I need to go and such....making plans in my head already to stop the numbing, aching feeling...to get my mind off it...already fighting and encountering thoughts that are a thousand miles away...just have to have something to do to distract me..of everyday life...sometimes I find an excuse to be alone and just get away...to be alone and think...without having someone try to bring me down...trying to break me ...but I won't let you...no...I find myself staring out the window...thinking...of everything...trying to get through the through the maze of rights and wrongs...I look into the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back. I see sadness, pain, and anger in her eyes...I don't recognize her. My head is screaming hate....shame...I hope I get out this....I'm sick of it all...still counting the minutes...the hours until the sun comes up...once more another day to live..count the minutes and hours until the sun goes down and out comes the moon kissing the sky goodnight...another night of reckless sleep...of not being able to sleep...juts laying here wide awake counting the minutes and hours until the sun rises again.