Like a Roaring Wind

I can see it in her eyes and it has bugging me all day and i can see that she wants to cry..u can see she has been acting really strange..when he starts talking and complaining I tend to tune him out cause what's the point in listening anymore? It doesn't even matter anymore cause I know its just gonna be a bunch of lies and I just know what he's going to say..."I ain't good enough"...and then the tears start pouring even though I don't want them to...they just start flowing and that's when i know that its coming...when you see the rain falling you know that the pain is coming...just like a roaring wind he breaks and rips everything in his way. The way you have hurt me and now I'm left with the pain. But I can't say that I'm surprised cause to you life has always been like a game...and you said exactly what I knew you would say. And it does hurt in that I won't lie cause it does, but I won't let it hurt me as bad as it could cause someone has shown me to let it just slide and go with the flow cause none of it is true. But I can just know when its all coming..the tears and the pain but after it all I'm just left with the pain and my life is some what shattered but I have to pick up the pieces. Just start new ... a new beginning and slowly put everything back together again. I will be strong I will go on for myself...I know I can make it through even if its painful..

When it rains

When it rains it seems that every raindrop touches something...can you just say it again again but actually mean it?? Well it wasnt my fault you yourself made a bed at the bottem of the blackest hole and the conviced yourself that its not the reason why you dont see us or the sun anymore..But how could you do it? I never saw it coming no i need a ending to this chapter so why don't you stay a little longer and explain it a little more clearer? And when it rains will we always find a escape? Just running away from all if the ones who loved you. From everything you created the distance ... but i cant see how you did this I personally never saw it coming...explain that to me...take your time and EXPLAIN..take these chances to turn it all around..take the chances and maybe we can get through it maybe we can turn it all around...how did this happen?? how did we get here?? I never saw this coming...no I truly didnt see it coming...
so just come stay a little longer and take your time and explain it.

No one ever wins

Hold your head up high you never wrong, somewhere in this crazy ride you belong you would rather fight then walk away. What a lonely way to breath the air.. jeez what a lovely way to say you care now we are to far gone for me to say that I never thought that we would come to this. Maybe there is beauty still there...you would rather fight then walk away...there is no reason left to try...now it has gone to far look at where we stand now...you've pushed me away another black day, here I am counting up the reasons to cry. Look what you missed living like this no body wins. Searching for the REAL truth in your eyes found myself so lost...that I don't even recognize the person that you claim to be. Don't know where to stop or where to begin your just so caught up in who you are now your far to high for me to even see you and understand this. You never said you were sorry for the pain you cause...but don't assume that I won't forgive...don't assume that I'll take you there...but here is another black day and still I find myself counting up the reasons to cry...we've gone to far and either way no body wins....no one ever wins.

Home (English Version)

You wish you could be with them but every direction leads you away. Pray for tomorrow and also for today. All I want is to be at a happy home. Standing in front of the mirror I look the same but different too. Just looking for shelter..from the cold and the pain. Some where to cover safe from the cold wet rain. All I want to be is home. Echoing silence patience and grace. All of these moments I'll never replace. The fear of my heart is to have absence of faith. People I've loved i have no regrets. Some I can remember some I have forgotten..some of them are still living some are dead.. all I want to be home...

Home

você deseja que você poderia ser com eles mas ligações de cada sentido você afastado. Pray para o amanhã e também para hoje. Tudo que eu quero é estar em um repouso feliz. Estar na frente do espelho eu olha o mesmo mas diferentes demasiado. Abrigo procurando justo. .from o frio e a dor. Alguns onde cobrir o cofre da chuva molhada fria. Tudo que eu quero ser é home. Paciência e grace ecoando do silêncio. Todos estes momentos eu nunca substituirei. O medo de meu coração é ter a ausência da fé. Os povos que I têm amaram-me não têm nenhum pesar. Alguns mim rmember da lata alguns que eu me esqueci que. .some deles estão vivendo ainda alguns estão inoperantes. tudo que eu quero ser home…

Changing the World

I guess everyone just wants the best for everyone...friends, family, special someones..but I think sometimes we don't know what that means....what is the best we can get?...I know they bring out the best in me and I bring out the best in them. I know we can sometimes get sick of these abstract things. But time has been kind in a weird kind of way...we all sometimes wait for the feeling to leave..but then you think maybe if I can just hold on to this feeling for this long then maybe I can get them to hold me. Don't you believe that in someway we have changed the world in a small way? Even if we feel we haven't we have maybe changed the world for someone else. Sometimes we don't think we can make it alone but we really aren't alone. I don't have much more to lose..I can't say for sure where I'll end up..but I just want to end up there with them. When the darkness seems to creep in and my world seems to be crashing down and it starts to turn again...will you believe?? When you won't get over them and your world just splits in two and you just can't seem to make it through......will they believe in you? Don't you believe we have changed the world for someone or somehow? Well at least I changed the world for many.

Feelings Continued...

I'm bleeding, screaming and deceiving because of you. But you still don't hear me screaming on the inside and you just keep on going. I'm tormented daily and defeated by you. It feels like I'm falling forever. It seems I have blurred and mixed the truth and the lies to the point where I don't know whats real and whats not. I always have confused thought inside my head and sometimes I can't trust myself anymore on what to believe. So go on and scream and yell at me, but I won't be broken again. Not anymore. Sometimes I feel so numb and cold. Have you no shame don't you see me here hurt and alone?? But now I know I can't and never will be the perfect person you want me to me...cause like everyone else I am human. I know the truth now someone has told me that I am not worthless or anything that you have said. I can't even say " I love you" now. Everything you have said about us isn't true. Sometimes I'm tired of being here anymore. These deep wounds don't seem to heal, this pain is just to much sometimes. Its just too much that not even time can't heal nor erase it. Your voice with your hurtful words seem to linger in the air. They whisper slowly to me...I fear you but I won't let you pull me down. the idea of you watching my every move to see what I'm doing wrong, to pick out my every imperfection haunts me. I've tried to kill the pain but it seems to come back every time I try to think positive. They tell me to not worry and think positive but sometimes its really hard to do. Sometimes my bedroom is my refugee to go cry, wanting to just scream but I can't I'm already swallowed up in my screaming and pain. Sometimes I can just lay on the floor for hours crying and hurting. You don't seem to remember my true self. I try so hard not to think about it but my mind races... I can't believe I actually feel for the words you've said. I look in the mirror and I see the pain in my eyes but I seem to be able to put a fake smile on and make it seem like nothing is wrong. In was letting you take over me but not anymore. I miss my old self...the happy and cheerful I used to be and I know she is still inside me under my cold and hurt self. I'm slowly going back to her even if its hard I will make it and I shall become her again. I'm done trying to be good enough for you. cause with you its impossible to be. I am to others the say I'm a great person. That they love my happy, funny and outgoing persona. That I should just let it slide and forget everything. Somehow I know there's just more to come but I will just have to wheel it all aways and not close my eyes and let myself fall. No I wont try to turn away and I won't try to hide anymore.

Sometimes

Sometimes I lock myself from the world.
Sometimes I dream of better times and a better place.
Sometimes we want to feel happy but all that comes is sadness.
Sometimes people hurt us without thinking.
Sometimes I just want to scream.
Sometimes I want to dance all the anger away.
Sometimes I want to talk to someone and feel less lonely.
Sometimes I find myself crying at night.
Sometimes I pray for hours.
Sometimes I can't sleep because my mind races all night.
Sometimes I'm scared of what others will say of me.
Sometimes I just want to run and keep on running...
Sometimes I wonder if I'm good enough.
Sometimes I want to just say " Stop it can't you see your words are hurting me" But when I seem to speak I can't.
Sometimes I lose my voice when I try to speak.
Sometimes I hate myself for letting everything get to me.
Sometimes I scream with all my might silently in my mind.
Sometimes I just wonder why.
Sometimes I wonder if someone cares for me.
Sometimes I'm scared of being in my own house.
Sometimes I want to forget but just can't.
Sometimes I try to look strong but I'm weak sometimes.
Sometimes I want to cry but I find that I have no tears left.
Sometimes I wish better times were here.
Sometimes I wish I could see that someone was proud of me.
Sometimes I wonder why the world is so cruel.
Sometimes I can see the pain and loneliness in my eyes.
Sometimes I can see I'm not the only one who wants to just scream and feel less lonely.
Sometimes...

Why

Why is that when you try to do something right its never good enough? Why is that people say means things to hurt us when all we have done nothing but good? Why is it that I can cry myself to sleep every night? Why can't I just forget? Why can't I just not feel? Why do I get mad and sad every time? Why do we have to lose friends and family? Why can't I be the daughter my father wants to be? Why can't I be good enough? Why must he pick out my imperfections? Whats wrong with me? Why cant I be normal?

WHO

Who is that girl I see smiling and laughing with her friends having a good time? Is she really happy? Can their be pain, sadness, seen in her eyes? Does she really want to just scream and tell everyone what she really feels inside? Or is she really happy? Why can't I be like that? Happiness is what seems like something foreign to me sometimes. Who is she? I can hear her call to me but I can't seem to understand her feelings, all warm and fuzzy and happy. For all I feel is dry, cold, wet, hurt, lonely, and depressed. What is this happiness? Will I one day find out how this feels? Or will my frost bitten cold heart never melt? I still ask myself who is she? Is she real? Will he become real to me someday? I just wait patiently till I can see her...and becomes real...

WORDS

Words are just things we say, their meaning is what others decide them to mean. Their meaning on what they decide it to mean reveals their true inner self within them. It reveals their most sharpest pains. Which they cannot speak of themselves therefore they take others words to translate what they really feel, who they really are in the inside.

Things you wish you could say...

Don't give up.
Don't throw your life away.
Don't do drugs.
Don't hurt the ones you love the most.
Don't be someone you aren't.
Don't judge me or my friends before you even get to know us.
Don't talk about others behind their backs.
Don't put others down to make you feel good.
Don't drink and drive.
Don't blame others for your mistakes.
Don't lie.
Don't hold back the tears.
Don't hold back your feelings.
Don't bottle up the pain.
Don't be prejudice.
Don't fight.
Don't be afraid to try new things.
Don't hate.
Don't back down when trying to reach your dreams.
Don't kill.
Don't stop dreaming.
Don't lose faith.
Don't steal.
Don't discriminate.
Don't do things without thinking about them.
Don't let others bring you down.
Don't stop.

SOMEDAY....

Someday I will understand why the world is so cruel.
Someday I will understand why people say mean things to hurt others feelings.
Someday I will learn why people try to hurt others.
Someday I will make someone proud.
Someday I will be an inspiration to others.
Someday I shall move.
Someday I will think back to all the happiness in my life.
Someday I will think back to all the problems I faced and how I kept strong and moved on.
Someday I will understand why some people do stupid things to impress.
Someday...

Emotions

Anger
Dark, Gloomy
Depressing, Sulky, Melancholy
Cheerful, Joyful, Light hearted, Fortunate
Excuse, Remit, Forgiveness
Trust

I DON'T UNDERSTAND...

I don't understand
why some people never think what their actions will do to others.
why people fight over pointless things.
why people judge you before they even get to know you.

Buts most of all
why we keep destroying our earth when we can do something.
why we have to lose friends.
why we have to suffer sometimes.
why people try to be someone they aren't.

What I do understand
who I am.
why it rains.
why I love my family and friends.
why we must learn from our mistakes in order to grow.

Rush

Into your head it goes...inside your mind. Out of your soul. It races through your veins. You can't escape. Into your life, into your dreams. Out of the dark into the sunlight again. You can't explain can you feel it? Rushing through your head. Don't let anyone tell you your life is over. be every color and everything you want to be no matter what. You don't have to know how you just have to try. Pulling you in, spinning you around, lifting your feet right off the ground. You can't believe its happening now. it takes you to another place. Imagine everything you can all the colors start to blend...your system seems to overload again...Don't ever let anybody tell you your life is over cause it's not...just be everything you wanna be. Be yourself and not someone you are not...just be every color you want to be.

Sober like

I don't know this could break me apart or could save me. Nothing seems to be real until you have let go of it completely. So here I go with all my thoughts and feelings that I have been saving inside me. Here I go with all of my fears weighing on me like a huge weight on my shoulders. 6 months and I'm still sober...I picked out all my weeds but kept my flowers but I know its never really over cause t comes back...and I don't know I could crash and burn but maybe at the ed of this road I might I just might catch a glimpse of the old me I used to be....and so I won't worry about my timing I want to get it right and no comparing nor second guessing no not this time. Six months and 'm still breathing and its has been a long road where I left those tears in my hand but I know it isn't really over what you try to forget. Six months and I'm still standing here Six months and I'm getting better, six months and I still hear. Six months and its still hard to forget...six months since I have been living without you. Six months and I'm still breathing and still remembering and I'm still awake. Six months and I'm still sober. I picked all my weeds but I kept all the flowers that remind me of my happiness.

Helpless

I hate this feeling of feeling helpless...not being able to help him nor do anything in anyway. I feel like I'm suffocating inside and I feel like all I can do is cry. His voice repeating over and over "Don't let me die...I don't want to die like Dad". Just thinking of him makes me cry...just knowing that he is just laying there not able to move...paralized....thinking of what tomorrow will bring for him...knowing that his chances to live are very slim...it pains me thinking about it. i'd go insane...What saddens me is that i can't be there with him and try to help him out. People tell me think about positive things..but how can I?? When I know my little brother is lying there...dying...I know he is scared as I am...I could hear the fear in his voice...i hate the feeling of wanting to help and do everything in my power to help him knowing that I can't do anything but pray and hope everything turns out okay...but I wish i could be there with him instead. Everyday i look at his picture and start crying and his voice haunts my mind...it repeats over and over again. Everyday at school i want to cry because I think of him...every small thing reminds me of him and it makes me sad...but I try to be strong for my older sister because i know she needs me...but when I'm alone I wish I could have someone who I could just hug and they would tell me its going to be okay and just cry into their shoulder...i feel like i'm drowning and i'm falling...i feel weak I need someone to hold on to...this feeling sucks...what am I suppose to do is what i ask myself everyday...how can I think positive when everytime I just feel like crying...every night I cry to sleep...what am I suppose to do?

Untitled

Those words feel like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I won't be held down by the words you use to hurt me. Screaming and bleeding inside. I know you don't believe in me but there are others who do care and see my true inner self. I don't want t lock myself up from the world, my friends, my family. I don't want to forget how it feels without the love and caring of others. I want to let things go, the things you say that feel like piercing knives going threw me. I couldn't hide the pain, the tears, the bleeding inside me no more.
I never wanted this to feel so cold. I can't hold on to me...wonder what's wrong with me..Leave me be...don't disturb. I drown but I know I will survive. Keep me in the darkness but know the darkness seems to be my friend and I know it so well now. Can't break free.. I want to let it go. Let me go. But i forgive you after all of what you do. In the end I always fall and I always seem to find my face among the ashes. But I'm going, I have to let it go.
Hurt, cold, and alone again. Can this be what they want me to be? Blame it all on me. Nothing can hold you back now. When you are gone or I'm with others who care about me i feel like myself again. I can feel the real me wanting to shine threw my frost bitten self I have become. I won't change who I really am for you! Not this time just to keep you happy there is no time to waste on you! But you can go ahead and just blame it on me for all I care. Since I'm already some kind of freak in your eyes. You can hate me..I don't' want to grieve for you. I know I may have lost the truth of what i am in your eyes.
I always longed to be like you but not anymore not after the damage you have done..leave me alone. Someone told me that I'm not alone and that many will be by my side forever more.You say things to hurt me but I don't really care anymore. For once in my life could you try to be nice? Sometimes I feel I might lose control for all the things I bottle up inside me. I'm lost and bleeding. All my life i have been waiting for someone to come pick me up and that I can lean on All your lies, I'm not believing. Someone has shown a light on me.
I'm not afraid to try to open your eyes to the truth. All your lies I don't deserve. I can't look down or I'll fall down. if I can't feel then I must not be real. I can hear you...please stop. Stuck in this darkness it feels so wrong...I feel so alone now. I'm in parts and pieces now. All that I lived for, all that I have died for, all that I can't ignore. Alone at night I can feel the feelings that seem to separate me from the living. I've tried to find the words to make me better, if only I knew how to pull myself up.
You've taken my biggest fears and have made them real. I try to find myself so that I won't be lost again but I can't I thought I had to change the world to make you see the truth. I could have kept running forever but I won't any more. I shouldn't have locked this stupid dark door with my heart inside it. Can't you see my heart bleeding? I shouldn't let you talk to me so harshly. Even after all I try to do it isn't good enough for you. When will I be a good enough person?
Everyday when I come home I wait for your words to fall upon me like cold rain. There I wait...cold, wet, hurt, bleeding, and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I'm even alive anymore after what I feel, its such a sharp pain it kills me. I'm sick of having bury everything inside. I try to get rid of the pain but it just come and kills me slower every time. Sometimes I try to speak but my words just hang in the air. Sometimes your words leave me paralyzed and in silence. I try to close my eyes and try to forget what you have said and pretend its not real. But these scars I have are because of you. No matter what you say I will not let you break me completely.
Because of you have cried more the 100,000 tears. Tears of anger, hatred, and sadness. These wounds are deeper then the deepest sea. You are so suffocating, I'm not fake less, just paranoid that I might suffocate. But I'm praying that some day you see the good in me that others see.

WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME

Okay so today was such a bad day for me cause yesterday I got a phone call from Honduras where my mom's family lives...well they gave us the news that yesterday my sister's little brother on her dad's side who I consider as my little brother too..Christopher got shot...this was a blow to my stomach...my heart just dropped...He's in critical condition right now. Well I'm getting ahead of myself I should say what happened...well apparently Christopher was just rollerblading with some friends and there were these two robbers who were jumping some other person...well they saw Christopher and shot him in the neck. Just like that I don't know how some people can be so cruel and not have a heart and shoot a innocent boy...he's only 12 years old!!! What did he do to them?? Nothing! He doesn't even remember anything he says he didn't see anything. When you ask him what happen he says "I remember rollerblading and that's all." Well yesterday we waited hours to get a phone call and see what the surgeons said...it seemed like an eternity..what saddened me even more was seeing my sister Jaqui just sit there staring at the phone crying...our phones rang 3 times and every time my stomach turned into a knot and my heart would skip a beat because you just don't know what to expect. Finally after 4 hours of waiting. Lily Christopher's older sister calls and she told us that they can't find the bullet which I find to be so weird...they don't know if he will be able to walk again...it also affected one of his arms and he can't move it. This just saddened and angered me...I was angry at the 2 men who did this to him..he doesn't deserve that...what kind of person are you to shoot a boy and now just because of their STUPID and WRONG mistakes my little brother Christopher might not be able to walk again!!!!! Just because you decided to go jump someone and shoot at a boy!!!!!! How can I not be angry! How?!?! The weird thing is that it is almost going to be year since my sister's dad was killed. He was also at the wrong place at the wrong time and he got shot but he didn't make it they shot him in neck, arm, and one bullet went through his jaw. We had to go through that once and now this happened it just took me back to that same night when they told us German my sister's dad got shot. I find this world to be cruel and heartless. It amazes me what some people are capable of doing...some people just have a cold heart or not even a heart at all. So today was very hard for me to get through school because I couldn't stop thinking about my little brother...I couldn't help but break down and cry. I try to be strong for my mother and my sister. But even I had to just let it all out. Well to anyone who has lost someone like this..I know how you feel and I'm truly sorry if you went through this..I have had to go through it twice...
I feel your pain and I'm truly sorry.

Worthless Words

Your just running off your mouth trying to convince me that I'm worthless and useless. That I'm the one who made the mistakes. And you know what...I can't take it anymore. Let me tell you where I'm at with this...that trash that she talks really has to quit. I ain't plastic nor fake..I'm a person that feels. You gotta take facts not lies and lay them out straight. You have to just see it so you see I'm not playing this game anymore. Because I'm trying to be a bigger then her bickering, bigger then her name calling, under the breath talking, her rumors, labels and categorizing. But go ahead you can say what you want about me...just keep on talking...but watch me cause I'm walking away. You can say what you have to say about me but I've made up my mind-I'm going to be above her and this is the last time I'm going to trust you. You can say what you have to say...all that talk might have worked a lot before but it's not going to work today. You people are just running your mouths off, trying to make me take myself off safety. But I can't take it no more. Let me spell it out for you...complaining and saying things about me that aren't true isn't going to change who I am. I'm going to step my game up and I'm going to maintain my name. Why does it always seem that she is watching me? All I need is some room to breathe is there anybody out there listening? Because I can't stand to keep this in or I'll go insane. All I really want I'll say again and again...
...Leave me alone and don't judge me....
...You may have won a battle but you aren't going to win this war...

Back home or something like it

Friday, November 7, 2008

Back home everyone seems to be searching for something but all they can find is a whole lot of nothing. Back home there isn't anyone just hoping because they feel like nothing can really save them from their troubles. They try not to hold out but we can't fight the fact that life can go black when the lights are go out...but I guess you try to watch out for yourself. Back home the same problems exist and the pain throbbing in your head. people can be so common, it doesn't really bother them...they just swallow it and hope for something better to happen that will pull us back together somehow...but sometimes the chances of that ever happening are somewhat slim. But back home we try to get a glimpse of the good life. I try my best to keep together when you say mean, insulting, hurtful words. I pace back and forth, looking for that courage to shine but it seems I can't find it. I need something to nourish my mind. I know we all lose quite a bit in life but only to gain some of it back. The dark winding roads I came from..I move with the night..I'm so used to its cold shade, and I never lose sight of bringing truth back into my life. Back home I have lots of things on my mind, I'm always behind because there is never enough time and I am non-stop, bottom line, I do what I have to do to keep moving on. Back home those people who call me hopeless and other mean things...you try telling me I need to focus...but focus is overrated cause you just seem to point out every blemish, mistake that I supposedly make and there is nothing I can really do to change what you or she makes you think. Back Home I try to find myself and try to feel like myself again.