PURE STUPIDITY SATURATED SELFISHNESS

Today...i woke up to a phone call..more crap...it truly pissed me off and angered me what i heard..the desperation in her voice not knowing what to do...what kind of person are YOU?...I mean come on seriously your actions are pure STUPID!...I mean come on do YOU even think???? The danger that you are putting her, your unborn baby, and son...I can't believe YOU!....seriously YOU disgust me...okay if you don't have the guts to take responsibility of your life and your actions after everything you have been through...then wow you are just plain... plain... I don't even think there is a proper word to describe YOU. I mean come on sometimes I wonder what the heck you are thinking leaving your wife the woman carrying your unborn daughter at home by herself you not only hurt her physically but emotionally and mentally...and to do what?? Go get drunk as hell...go partying...with other women...do drugs...I can't even speak to YOU...okay you say you want your freedom?? Well maybe you should have though about that before getting married...when you yourself said you wanted to change and that you would trade the I's for US...for you two. And now I heard this and I felt sick and angered and sad. Because we have tried helping you as much as we could possibly because we all care about you and seeing you slowly destroy you self little by little is something painful for them...for us...you say you wanna live your crazy life?? That this is who you are and that you won't change...that YOU won't ever change...cause of course your a so called VATO LOCO for life...right? Well that's just a bunch of crap...Okay fine go live your crazy life but leave me alone.....let her go instead of keeping her lock inside like some freaking animal in a box...she's a human for god sake! and then you tell her to go to hell and to stay out of your business?? really what kind of person are YOU? How the heck can you tell your wife this woman who put up with your crap and your problems and the one who said yes to you the one who committed to a marriage with you...and think about your son and your daughter...you are a man now you aren't a little boy anymore okay? YOU have to take responsibility for you actions...seriously this is just RIDICULOUS...I just don't know how you can be so stupid and do that stuff and the things you are involved in it isn't game.....its something serious...you think it's a game but in this world people won't play by your rules...no everything is taken seriously here...wake up open your eyes and see...think for once about what your actions will do....I have done all I can...I can't do anything...it you and your life...but what pains me is that she suffers and mostly my nephew he shouldn't have to go though that....it kills me that I can't do anything to help because I can't control your actions nor your outbursts of rage...I'm truly pissed off and hurt...hearing these things because I think to myself " HAVEN"T YOU LEARNED ANYTHING?" Obviously not because your in the same crap again...and seems like your not going to change...okay if you aren't going to change then at least let her go...because your not only harming yourself but your harming her, your baby, and you son and me....so many lies you have spoken...everything you said was a lie....lies lies lies...nothing but a big tangled web of lies....I really don't understand YOU.....I don't....I can't believe how dumb and stupid you are being....I truly don't understand...we have tried helping you and we have let things slide we have put up with a lot of your crap... but this is too much. I'm not going to try anymore...I'm done...yes I AM DONE....all you have cause is pain and suffering to all...every single day is some other crap with you....so go just LEAVE GO LIVE YOUR LIFE YOU WANT! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...BUT KNOW THIS THAT I ALWAYS CARED FOR YOU AND I ALWAYS TRIED TO HELP I HAD FAITH IN YOU....WHEN NO ONE ELSE BELIEVED I DID...I WAS ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU IN THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SAD TIMES...SO ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU NOW..IS ...THAT YOU ARE TRULY SELFISH AND JUST LEAVE US ALONE... GO LEAVE...GO LIVE YOUR CRAZY LIFE YOUR VATO LOCOS ARE WORTH NOTHING...THAT WON'T HELP YOU OUT IN THE END...YOU'LL SEE AND YOU'LL REMEMBER ME...YOU'LL REMEMBER THE WORDS I TRIED TO TELL YOU HOW I TRIED TO HELP YOU BUT YOU REFUSED...THAT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM...BECAUSE WE HAVE ENDURED SO MUCH FOR YOU...BUT NOT ANYMORE...
YOU KNOW WHAT...I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE I'M SHAKING BADLY FROM IT....

Staring into the mirror

I stare into this mirror...does the mirror tell you who you truly are? Does it define you?
The mirror has told me who I am....something I have learned is that being perfect is impossible because none of us are...
I'm sorry but YOU don't own me and your words that you say won't define me ever...I'm not going to let you own me you won't.
Who are you to tell me I'm less then what I am? Who are you to say those things? Who are you? Because I don't even know who you are anymore. I won't listen to you anymore no I'm not going to anymore...why should I?
In this mirror I look into my eyes and see the old me there inside me wanting to come out...I see her...why won't she come out?
What's holding her back? I still stare into the mirror and I try to see a new reflection...try to find the old me...I know she's in me somewhere....I will not let YOU hurt me again I won't ever...I need to open up my hands...press my face to the ground...just forget...just go to sleep...but that's the problem I can't sleep...i don't know what to do....

I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been used.
I've been hurt.
But even so with my last breath I will not scream at you no I will not yell at you...
What is the good in that?
The past hides dark secrets that haunt me still...at night sometimes I stay up because I can't sleep...I stay up for hours...
Why must I go through this pain?? Why can't I forget it all? Why why? Why must we remember everything including the worst ones...the ones you want to forget why are they the ones that you remember the most? Just wanting it to fade away...forget it all...but something seems to get in the way...every time I see you I get chills going down my spine...I feel cold...and to think that you don't think I remember what you have done...but sadly I remember everything....even thought I have tried to forget and cover these deep wounds...I'm scarred inside...I still ask my self why? I guess I'll never know why...
I am broken.
I am bruised.
I've been hurt.
But even so I will move on...bruised and scarred I will go on...watch me.

Going to ignore you for good

Right now I am ignoring you...
I'm going to ignore you...
Because your actions and your heart has turned cold
Don't bring me your problems...
Don't bring me your attitude...
Please just don't drown me in your bad mood...
I'm not going to let you lock me up...
Nope you will not keep me quiet and tied...no I will not let you.
I'm ignoring you..
I will ignore you...
I'm not going to sit here and wait for someone to come along and save me...
I know that I have to be strong and do it myself...
And this time I will be free of you....
...Goodbye...

"I can take it in but I can also dish it out"

Remembering your heart-full laugh...under the hot sun...having a great time...many memories we made...you always saying I can take it in but I can also dish it out...then one day something was dished out at you and you were able to take it in but this you can't beat it...only a couple months to live...seeing you grow thinner and thinner...weaker and weaker...but even so you haven't lost your humor nor that heart-full laugh...you have been so strong and I admire that...you have such courage...its amazing...we still have such wonderful memories still play a round of cribbage...I have always loved you as a father and I will miss you...we all will...we'll miss your smile, your humor, your jokes, your love, and your wisdom. But your advice I will take and remember forever..I promise..

I'm tired of feeling this same old feeling.....speaking words in every kind of way to try to get my point across...sometimes I want to just close my eyes together...looking for a escape...maybe find that secret garden everyone reads about...maybe the only sign is in front of us....behind the shadows...sometimes I go to sleep dreaming of tomorrow.....of the place when everything will be fine. Wanting to just dive into the pool I don't care if the water's cold...I go to sleep and wake up sick...i walk through the crowds...look through the window into the unknown...wanting to ditch everything...you really thought I'd be the only one who would be ditched?? Really?? I just want to let go....forget it...I really miss the ones I love....I miss how we used to be...its like a movie where everyone is sad....wanting to just sleepwalk into the dream...i want to learn to open my eyes and see...but then you want to just turn off the lights and lay in the darkness...a couple tears down my face...could it just rain so no one can see my tears? ...what's beyond the darkness??...gotta learn to blend into this mess ....keep letting it all go all of the crap...seems I'm lost in this place...where am I?? ...

Bricks

Some people encourage to to do your best and other say words that are like bricks...they say words that are meant to weigh you down so that they can feel little higher...swim a little higher while you struggle and drown. Some think that their way is better and the best of them all but either way its just like that brick that weighs you down. So what should I do with this bag full of bricks, sticks and stones, and hurtful words that have stuck with me day after day. Can I let go? Remove it..let it go slowly...remove brick by brick...forget the words that they have said. We must believe in the person we can truly be right? Many people add a brick. If we start to compare we find out that we fall short somewhere...but hey that's because we are humans we are not perfect..its always true...but if we see where we fall we can break down this wall...Instead of teaching ourselves to walk away we have learned to crawl. What will you do with that bad of sticks and stones, bricks and hurtful words? We should believe in ourselves more...even if others don't...try to be unique..be ourselves instead off trying to conform with what they want us to be...to be someone we are not. We should defy what they tell us..don't believe the words and the lies they tell us..If we are brave enough we can believe in what we truly are...lets just let it go...all of those bricks throw them away...throw them far away from you.

Nothing to Lose

This is who I am...this is me...I'm not the beauty queen or the girl that shows up in glamour magazines or Ms. Popularity...I'm not that girl...I am me....I am not that kind of girl I'm not going to be someone that isn't me...I do want to be real though....find out the girl I truly am...I know that I'm going to find my way...I'll find my voice and take a stand. I am who I am who I am this is me...I'm not going to be like that doll that you put in a box and lock up forever...why do you expect me to be someone that I am not? Because I am not going to be someone that I'm not. I'm going to be REAL and be the TRUE me. Newsflash for you I don't care if you don't give me your approval for not being someone else then me...I'm not going to act like someone that I'm not...so go ahead...I've got nothing to lose...I don't care anymore...look down on me all you want...but I won't be there...compare me all you want to those I'm nothing like...I haven't got anything to prove to you...so what is there to lose? I'm going to find out who I am find my voice and speak loud and clear...make it be heard...I'll find my way you'll see.

I'll Be Okay

So many things going through my head...I can't even pick out which ones are truly mine...I don't know were those thoughts start and where they end. Sometimes I wish there was a button to just shut it all off for a little while and just catch my breath...and that will maybe let me know that I'll be okay..it will one day turn out okay...so many things that need to get done I don't even know what's more important anymore... Where my needs start and where yours end. I'm scared of letting anybody down because I feel like I just fall down if I do...can someone just say that it will be okay? This life can be hard on all of us...with problems, sickness, and the worst of them all DEATH..lets just try to forget these problems for a little while...just take a small break...cause the problems will all still be there...I always try to solve my problems but every now and then I just let them go...why not? Everything will soon be okay right? For those who are having a bad day and those who aren't feeling the best today we all don't know what's coming...what's around the corner. It's always easier to believe in someone else then yourself. But if you hope for me I'll hope for you and both of us can make it through alright...you'll see.

Living Life

Living in a life that only destroys your dreams thinking to myself why regret keeps haunting me. Want to change the ways of counting every single day...these days that seem to just go and fade away...think of the day when its all gone...when the hour glass falls will I have more then this to show for it all or will I wake up live my dreams instead of letting this nightmare take control of me? Live today as if it was your last day...don't want to move on to the next day wishing you could rewind and go back and do it differently. Do something with your life go ahead stand up and do something. Can't help wondering if there is more like that dream ....some are just smoking, drinking, living life on the edge"... then ask could have, would have, should have been what could have your life have been if you hadn't done things like that was it really worth it? Today you are not that has been but when you look back will you have regrets? Are you okay with how you have lived if tomorrow were to be the last day? Don't want to wish and go back to live it differently...don't want to want to look through this future lens and regret something...of course we all are scared and we all wonder what is out there for us so we are frozen going though so many emotions. Decide whether you are going to stand and raise your head...with no regrets...will you have any? Do something good with you live.. live you life.

Fall

We sometimes fall...we all let ourselves down sometimes...all that is left to do is live through what has been done and no don't think that you are the only one who has made a mistake and has fallen...we all fail sometimes for we are humans and aren't perfect. Maybe we have even let someone down...sometimes there is nothing left but to just promise that the next time we shall not fail. I'd like to tell you that we can go on all of us...many new beginnings come from an ending. You must still believe in you even if no one else does..must believe in us...believe in you...in those who have failed and have fallen... believe in them.

Paint brushes and Roller coasters

Okay i guess you've got your mind made up... right? You have.... we have a voice of our own each one of us does...you can go any place you please to.. the road can lead you down anywhere heck it can even lead you to a ghost town if you really want to. I hope what you choose is what you truly want to be. Sometimes for me it is and sometimes it ain't. But that doesn't stop me. Life is like a roller coaster it fills you with such thrills but at the same time it goes up and down, upside down, left, right, up down and then loops left..only you can chose...you hold the paintbrush only you can create the picture you want. Only you can no one else...only you can see where the colors start to blend. Your the one who chooses the way. Whatever you choose that will be the price you pay so chose wisely. You can live your own life we are all living our own life. No certain destination is set for us...nope not even you...so take a step forward go ahead...take that pain brush and paint your picture you want. People will try to stop you ...they'll try to take your paintbrush away and try to black it out...take your faith away but you have to be strong....come on head up and take your step and stand strong.

Stone Tears

Tears we cry for those we love, for those who hurt us, for those who hate us...they can feel like stone tears. I know the tears I've cried and cry are stone tears. They feel cold and heavy as they stream down my face. Heavy as stones...trying to push myself through the crowd...keep them from hiding myself behind my hair looking down to the ground another day. Maybe today I'll push through the crowd....I need sometime to get away and get these stone tears out...cry them all not but it seems that these stone tears never end...maybe this time I won't stop and I'll find my way...away....take me away...

The Truth Of What You Have Become

Somebody hold me....suddenly I'm feeling cold and sad. You've said we are both the same...I believe you are wrong for I could never do the things you've done to me....but I will be strong...
I'll fight back...with time you will eventually fade in the background right? Into the nothing you have become and are. The mistakes and the choices you have made will hunt you down you'll see...they will catch up to you and you will fall straight to the ground....you will remember me and the things you have done...your weakness will break you and do you in....hitting rock bottom...but I'm not worried for I know the truth....yes the truth I hold...the truth of it all...it is on my side and seem like you have hit the ground and that is not my fault.

BAd Day

I've had a bad day...it seemed like forever...nothing seemed to go the way I wished it did. I've got a killer headache don't want to think about it. Every time I want to smile I seem to start crying so instead I just hide my face behind my dark brown curls. I've had a bad day don't want to talk about it nor think about it. But I'll be fine..just got to hang on right? Nothing will stop me...I'm strong...I'm the only one who can stand up and make a change right ? I really don't want to fight anymore. I want to live my life...make it through alright....I hope.. I just want to shout about it but when I turn around I find out that I'm alone again. I had a bad day...but I guess I could laugh about it right? When I get lonely...I feel light like when your floating in water...nothing seems real....but I should be above it right? I can only make the change...I'm strong....I'll keep going and holding on...no one... no no one will stop me from getting there....for I am strong and nothing will hold me back.

Cobwebs

There's always a chance that I won't repeat lessons I have learned...of course I might make some same mistakes...I can't pretend I'm perfect cause I'm not. No need to point it out more...yes I've fallen because of you...broken my legs so now I'm just standing motionless...when these pains ease down I'll quit holding on...I'll just run right on...part of me is scared to death and face the truth...can you see I'm broken wide open? I can barely breath...survival...keeps me hanging on...afraid of letting go...afraid of being alone..afraid of giving up...afraid..yet still hanging onto the threads.

A dream that was real

I drifted off to sleep at about 3:30 last night with the notebook and pen still in my hand. I drifted in and out of sleep dreaming of a better place at first. Had dream but it was all foggy in my head...better days...love of all mankind..spoke with people can't remember what they said though. We can be powerless sometimes yet we still live our lives ever day. I drifted deeper into sleep...heard gunshots....I heard some one say " so young and yet so full of life"...had a dream it was all foggy thoughts though...gunshots....I woke up with tears in my eyes.

Endless Line

My time is still going...You've been through a lot....can you hear me calling? This line is point straight at you. It's your own actions and your own decisions. I'm living my life straight unlike you. You can call that on me and I'll guard myself just wait and see. You will see because I have started brand new unlike you it is still a sickening game to you...but I'm living my life straight...you've got your mind made up it seems it doesn't change...I think about when this world ...When I have seen its better days.

I Cannot

I'd be lying if I said I felt nothing. I could be proving you right with my silence. Am I letting you win without my reaction? How can I explain? I can't...I cannot be confused or mislead one more time. Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug? How can I complain? I cannot complain. I cannot help but wonder why you do this...you think your the right one...the charmed one...how can you live w such conviction? And who do you think you are? To question things you have no right to? To question me? Why do you affect me? Why do you affect me still? Why do you hinder me? Why do you make my blood boil? Why do trigger my anger?? Why do you bother?

Pebble

Where am I tonight?
I'm fighting against the feeling that is tearing at me...its a dark and painful one. What I would give to get rid of it and beat this feeling that slowly tears at me...I would walk a great distance to be freed from it...someone once told me they would want to be as if drugged to the point of numbness...I guess then you wouldn't feel anything no pain, no anger, no sadness, nothing. Here I pick up a small pebble and cast it into the water watching the ripples grow and fade outward...someday I hope my pain will be like those ripples..just keep fading away..rippling away until they are completely gone.

Another Day

Another day...the sun is slowly creeping in and I can't hide beneath the covers no more...Another day I have read these words many times before. Here it comes again I can feel it...same old feeling....feeling the same way over again...thinking the same thoughts again and again...no matter how much I wish not to and just pretend I don't but I do. Another day when I can't seem to find my mind..when my feet seem to have a mind of its own. Hoping and trying to be able to stand straight on the floor...I seem to feel the same way. Sometimes I wonder how I go into the unknown but somehow find my way back...I go out searching for what is lost...but still haven't found it...maybe in the end I'll find it once again and not feel this same old feeling again.

I don't know why

Here I lay waiting for the sun to rise...don't ask me why...because I don't even know why...I don't know why I didn't just fall asleep...and dreamed away..here I wait I can see the sun wanting to kiss the sun good morning. When a new day comes I wish I cold just fly away...instead of falling straight to the ground...catching the tears in my hand My heart is beating slow beats...but somehow everything is on my mind...forever...its like a bottomless sea...its keeps going and it's never ending...just wanting to run down the street all alone...something makes me want to run. The sound of my feet are like the beating of a drum. I don't know why I didn't just go to sleep...I don't know why I can't sleep.

Rainy Days

Rainy days are gray
It sounds like the beating of a drum
It taste of salt- saltiness
Smells if wet mud- dampness
Rainy Days make you feel gloomy and cold

I wish

I wish..
that we don't have to lose the ones we love
that one day we won't have to suffer
that one day everyone will love each other
the wars will someday end
that all the hate and violence will someday end
that one day all the sadness and pain will vanish and be gone forever
that the pain I feel inside will one day leave
the numbness will regain feeling
that someday I'll understand why...

Control

Here I find myself on a one-way road...only a couple dim lights to lead me on...there I stand...turn my music on....the song slowly starting...the beat slowly taking over my mind and body...release and out of control...As I run forward my shadow is the only one who has my back...I'm the only one on this one-way road but I don't care I don't mind being the only one on the road...running and running...Life or death...its either one...they can say what they what but they ain't better they me...we disagree and that's all we ever will do....so I don't mind being here on this dark road running through the darkness not knowing whats there...not knowing what could be hiding behind the dark shadows...maybe I'll find myself ...there.... its all messed up...in pain and hurt....running and running until I go numb cause of the cold wind brushing against my face...I try not to be hearing what they say...cause it all ain't true its all a bunch of crap... if you would only leave me alone and go away..please...just go...you mad at me for living my life straight and staying outta trouble...that ain't my problem...that's your own...don't talk about me behind my back...if you got something to say say it to my face...feel my pain...you just fronting hard...as if we don't know who you really are..go head talk..I'm listening...take it all...risk it all...I'm listening say it to my face...go ahead...say it...if you can leave messages disrespecting...then come and say it to my face...just leave me alone and go away...I'm outta control can't take it anymore sometimes. So I just run and run and I'll keep running to out run the pain for a little while...going through the darkness....darkness...control.....run.... run....pain....numb.....go AWAY.

Counting the Minutes

Laying here wide awake...counting the minutes...the hours..waiting for the sun to rise and kiss the sky good morning. I'm already thinking about the day ahead..what needs to be done, what I have to do, where I need to go and such....making plans in my head already to stop the numbing, aching feeling...to get my mind off it...already fighting and encountering thoughts that are a thousand miles away...just have to have something to do to distract me..of everyday life...sometimes I find an excuse to be alone and just get away...to be alone and think...without having someone try to bring me down...trying to break me ...but I won't let you...no...I find myself staring out the window...thinking...of everything...trying to get through the through the maze of rights and wrongs...I look into the mirror and don't recognize the girl staring back. I see sadness, pain, and anger in her eyes...I don't recognize her. My head is screaming hate....shame...I hope I get out this....I'm sick of it all...still counting the minutes...the hours until the sun comes up...once more another day to live..count the minutes and hours until the sun goes down and out comes the moon kissing the sky goodnight...another night of reckless sleep...of not being able to sleep...juts laying here wide awake counting the minutes and hours until the sun rises again.