Getting away with it once again...

Once again you have managed to mess everything up and get away with it... i literally can just imagine you there with a smirk on your face...knowing that your going to get away with it...you know what she is going to do for you is pointless...she's going to break her back for you once again....you are NOT worth it at all....you never were...sadly she cannot see that...that hurts me because of you I am suffering ... I hate feeling like this but the more I try to be happy you somehow manage to bring me down...I know i shouldn't let your problems bring me down...but its hard not to ignore the problems when they affect me...when they involve me too...I HATE YOU...i do for everything you have done...everything you have caused...for what you have done.. i cant believe this...people have come up to me and have said they feel sorry for me because of you...will I miss you? they ask me this...the answer to this question is a dead NO!...i will not miss you ever...why the heck would I? everything is just crap with you...you aren't going to change...all you have done is hurt and cause pain...right now I feel so much anger inside me...I feel like I'm starring far out into the ocean...the bottomless sea of problems because of you...slowly bringing me under.... .... I don't know what else to say... I feel so sick...

We are Bruised

Trying to keep up...the pace is too fast...there are certain things we must face in life...don't stop
don't ever slow down for fear that you'll stop and not move on. If you stop it is such a lonely place to be. In life everyone of us goes up and down...but then feel like we haven't moved at all...some of us hurt...some of bruised...some think that they are destined to lose...but why let it fall and let it take over us? If they would look at me in the face...they would see in my eyes pain but yet I'm still running after the prize..I'm not going to let that hope burn out..not having a hand to hold...I don't know what lies ahead..we can be bruised..but don't think that you are destined to lose because if you chose not to do it alone then you'll get through it...don't let it fall...live your life...try to leave the pain and I know sometimes this is very difficult to do...if you've made mistakes its OK none of us are perfect but the thing we can do is learn from them. Run...go...only you can decide..
We may be bruised and if you do it alone you won't be able to get through it trust me. We all have the strength to get through we just might not think it or see it...

Don't ever think that WE...

that YOU are destined to lose...

Because none of us are...

Unless YOU choose it to be.

What went wrong?

An empty space...this rain falls alone tonight and no one has ever felt like this before...I mean what went wrong? with him? With us? With the family? It's so sad to see us divided because of him. I feel as if I'm inside a broken box...watching as the crack grows bigger and wider as time passes...hoping time will set me free from here. Suddenly I see myself on a crowded street with a lonely stare...a thousand miles of pain in between...what went wrong? Why did it happened?I feel like an apology is needed...but do I have to or does he? Every letter that I have ever written has stayed with me...all the promises have been broken..everything all the small pieces..everything stays with me. Everything he has done will stay with me forever no matter how hard i try to forget...so close but yet so far away from happiness...the empty space seems to grow bigger...everything black and white; the joy of the color has disappeared. No one has ever felt like this before...what went wrong? Why is there this empty space?

Sickening Rollercoasters.

A girl living in a small town wondering what to do..everyday its the same routine...everyday is the same crap...wondering if there is something more for her out there. Can there be something better for her out there? Not knowing what life is about...everyday same old crap...She tries to forget it all but it slowly starts building up more and more suffocating her inside...slowly closing in on her...not knowing what to do anymore...She feels cold, lost, confused and hurt inside...wanting to just run...run from the pain and the crap but it seems to catch her no matter how fast she runs..not matter how fast she tries to run from it all. She wants to smile but she can't bring herself to smile...when she does put on a smile is it real? Is she really happy? Does she feel different inside from what she appears to be on the outside? She wants to be happy...it feels like a sickening roller coaster ...even though she has her seat belt fastened tightly she feels sick and unsafe. She wonders if someday everything will truly be fine someday. She sometimes wants to give up and cry when her world is coming down...But others tell her to be strong and keep her head up because she is special...she's truly a unique person inside and out...but sometimes she herself doesn't believe it...even though she wants to..she wants everything to be fine..she keeps hoping and wishing for this to become reality.

Starry Night

I can see the highways from up here everything looks so small and little...I think that is how I feel...I've gone through so much..just had to much of it...where have I been? Where am I? I feel like the starry night is growing darker and closer around me and those beautiful bright shinning stars are disappearing one by one. I guess everyone of us in someway is looking for something or someone that will take away for the pain even if just for a bit...take away the pain we feel inside...something that will heal the cuts and the bruises. Everything that has happened has happened so fast...its too much...that one cannot ignore anymore...Feels like your getting closer physically but mentally the solution seems so far away. I can feel everything coming down on me..I'm falling...can I get up off the ground again? Does anyone hear me screaming and yelling in the inside? I got to get up...I have to breathe again...but how?....

Bring The Rain

Today took a road..an unwinding road taking me to new places..some places I wish I didn't have to go. In the blink of an eye everything changed before me changed just like that. Why hold on to some of these things? Can someone explain why?...I try to forget...try to read between the lines see beyond its meaning and find out what is real. I try to look inside and see what I'm feeling inside... maybe I can find a way out? Not feel so down and alone... A door that has been unopened and will lead me the right way... away from all the pain...find a way out..It rains it thunders it looks so gray when I go through it all. Every day seems to be a shade of gray. Could I just find out where to start..is there something that everyone knows that I don't know? Today I went on my own...felt like I couldn't move a muscle not knowing...stepping outside...just to breathe...find a way out...maybe this is the way. My eyes are slowly getting the brightness in them. Bring the rain now..I'm slowly wrapped up in everything...i know I can make it out I have the strength too. I just need to give it a little time right? I want to let them know I can...I want to let myself know I can...i can hear the thunder and the rain wanting to come back.

NEVER CARED

Today was a BAD day...my head feels like its going to explode!...I'm so frustrated with everything...I don't know what to do...I'm sick of all of your crap...everything is ridiculous..everything I do seems to backfire at me...seeing you today standing before the judge...and hearing you say things that were untrue...made my skin cringe....made my blood boil.....I hate you!...Why didn't you leave me alone...why did you pull us apart huh? why? There is so much rage inside me right now...you need serious help you do... you cant keep running forever...you truly need some physiological help or something because everything has gone far enough..I can't believe the pain you have caused..didn't you think? don't you care? I guess the answer is obvious that you didn't care...you NEVER did...my hands shake as I write this..sometimes I just cry because of the pain...the frustration...I'm so hurt...I try to be strong and brave but sometimes I just can't anymore I want someone to tell me its going to be alright but sometimes I don't even know anymore...i feel lost and confused...Why did i have to go through this?...What did i do? All I ever did was care and try to help you out...but then again this isn't the first time you have screwed me over...I guess that what you are good at putting on your stupid innocent face and having people feel sorry for you and they help you and then what do you do? you screw them over too. I feel so down right now i don't know what to do. I feel like crying but I have no tears left..I feel like screaming but my voice is gone...i feel like hitting something but what good will that do...ugh this sucks...forgive and forget god how that is so hard to do...it truly is...I try to forget it but it always somehow creeps back in...you always seem to cause problems and remind me of these dark things i have tried to forget and leave in the past...I'm so lost and confused and hurt...but I guess you never cared and you never will...i hope that someday you will realize the mistakes you have done and change and remember of all the times i tried helping you but you refused...I feel sorry for you i truly do.

NO ONE CARES

The fears that i always feared are all becoming real one at a time...everything I concealed inside is coming out and it feels as if my heart will stop..losing the choice of life is what you have done..but you will see that I maybe lost another life because of what you have done seems like you killed me. If you teared it all up...now no one cares...don't wake me up let me sleep and never wake up... I can't believe you..one at a time I watched you hurt everyone every single time I watched you cause pain...I can't even look at you or even hearing your name makes me cringe..I've forgotten who you really are..you are a monster...you are hurting yourself and others...now who cares for you? D you think they do? they don't give a crap about you! You saw that the other day when they beat you! You call that love!? You call that family? You call that caring?? We care ! We loved you! We were always there for you! But you don't care....right now I don't care! I feel like there's a FIRE burning inside me ....can someone put it out please before if sinks into me...I feel like screaming at you! WHY!? I feel such rage inside me the things I heard you say brought horror to me...I can't believe the things you said...you would do...it makes me sick and angry and I just want to scream at you in your face. One at a time I saw you tear this family up...you've lost it...you've thrown your life away!...You have torn us apart....NO ONE CARES!... GO LEAVE..I DON'T CARE ANYMORE...I HATE YOU...YOU MAKE ME SICK...I'VE FORGOTTEN WHO I AM NOW...I WANT TO JUST GO TO SLEEP AND PLEASE DON'T WAKE ME....TILL SOMEONE REALLY CARES OK...BUT GUESS WHAT NO ONE CARES! NO ONE....I NEED TO PUT OUT THIS FIRE OUT....END THIS FIGHT AND FORGET YOU...YOU BROKEN EVERYTHING....YOU'VE TEARED EVERYTHING..I'M GOING TO TRY TO REPAIR IT. BUT NO ONE CARES...IT'S OBVIOUS THAT YOU DON'T GIVE A DAM EITHER...YOU DON'T CARE ANYMORE YOU HAVE DONE IT ALL....NO ONE CARES.

Burning away

OK listen to this when I say everything you have done now...your life goes on so undefined why must you be so miserable and make life harder and miserable for all of us? All you do is take and take and take... you don't realize how much pain and suffering you cause. I can feel the spring rain on my skin and it slowly washes away what I feel...the rains hides the tears that I'm crying. By the way you have officially lost it all...all faith is gone..every little piece of it is gone. I slowly blend away into the background I'm not there anymore..your the one who turned away..turn your back to your own family and for what? Just tell me for what? What good did it all do? Nothing really you tore our family up...your tore up YOUR family..and for what? What good did it all do? You turned away..your going to fall.... a long fall that you will fall... I can't believe you!....I mean why did you have to do that to us? Under the rain I can feel everything burning away...slowly burning away...I'm slowly burning away..fading and blending into the background..I just don't get it why why did you? You slowly tore this family apart...why couldn't you just leave and leave us be? I'm aching inside...I try to catch my breath and see is I'm not just having a nightmare but once I catch my breath I realize that its all real...its really happening and that scares the crap out of me...I feel numb and weak...i feel as if a knife was just stabbed into me...your officially lost..you turned away...the rain hides the tears that I'm crying now..why did you cause me so much pain huh? why? I'm slowly burning away...everything burning in sight...you turned away.

Changing is not impossible

Right now I want to just take everything and put it all back everything....everything I ever felt and put it back again. To be the person I used to be...I know she's there waiting for me...for me to return. Every word I seem to speak just rolls off my lips...just say everything out loud even if no one listens to what I'm saying...what I'm feeling...I write down everything I feel with every stroke of my pen on my notebook I get rid of some of the feeling...I let it all out...when I write I can't stop...it;s the way I express myself..sometimes I look back to what I've written and I hate it sometimes because the same feelings come creeping back all over again...you know when you just try to be happy but something always pops up to ruin your day? When this happens I just try to ignore it and not let it affect me. I'm laying on the floor and just thinking about everything....so much has changed...some for the better and some for the worst...its like the way everything has changed sometimes weren't fair...many tears cried...every night my mind flashes backs to the past...sometimes I can't believe how everything has changed...sometimes I want to say just stop pretending already!...Its all like a bad dream that i can't wake up from..I can see that you have given up and stopped trying...well that you...but me I want more I still want to try to get past this...I've lost a lot...but I don't believe that this is all...no I won't believe the words that you say anymore..I'm going to try and get through this..please don't pretend you care anymore cause I don't believe you anymore...I may not know where to begin but I fight the bad memories away...its not impossible...i will try hard to get through this.

Missing you

I wish this could be a happy poem but right now my happiness has disappeared the moment I got a phone call saying you had passed away...when I found out that you were gone. I don't think I ever truly believe that something like this would happen...I knew the day could come but I believed that you would get better...I never believed that that day would come so soon. Now all I'm feeling is sadness, lost, and numbness. I know I promised you if anything did happen to keep going on and try not to be too sad. But it's hard because we are all truly missing you. I'm very thankful for the good times we spent together. This is a lesson for all of us to be thankful for everyday we have because today we are here and tomorrow we could be gone. But yet I feel sad because I lost such a great friend...all of our wonderful memories right now are making me fall apart because I'm going to miss the things we always did. It feels like someone ripped the ground from under me. I know I promised that I wouldn't be sad and cry but yet I find myself crying...it's really hard because I miss you and its killing me inside....remembering when we would go camping, fishing, play a round of cribbage, the occasional BBQ...but my happiness disappeared when I heard the news...please someone tell me that I'm dreaming... tell me this isn't real...that it is not happening...please tell me it isn't as it seems...please can I just wake up and realize it was just a bad dream..that it is fiction...a lie...please say he didn't really die...no please this can't be happening...I miss you...wish I could heart your voice...your heartful laugh once more...or one of your many jokes...or one more day of fishing for hours....I loved you like a father...you were a great friend...I miss you.

In Loving Memory Of
Bruce Kunze